What is it about getting sick that makes me feel ashamed? Everyone gets sick once in a while. People catch colds and flus all the time. Then they stumble all over the place trying to go about their normal daily business while trying not to die. Or fall over. Me, I catch a cold and feel like I've somehow failed. I have failed my body in my attempts to stay healthy. I run down the checklist in my head:
Exercise? Check.
Proper nutrition? Check.
Proper hydration? Check.
Enough sleep? As much as I can get.
Naturally, therein lies the pitfall -- somehow I seem to feel that "as much [sleep] as I can get" must surely be enough (even when I'm averaging five hours a night), and that therefore when I fall ill, it must be because I'm doing something terribly wrong in another area of my life.
But seriously, what's this failure thing all about? Where did I get the idea that somehow, if I do everything just right, my body will always be healthy? And what's up with this feeling that I'm somehow competing with other people who get less sleep than I and yet somehow don't wind up catching colds? I don't remember my competitive streak ever coming out this strongly on something so silly.
Then, of course, comes the concept of "sick days". Now, I must be one of the luckiest people in the world when it comes to sick days. First, I don't have a set number of days that I'm allowed to take. If I'm sick, I can stay home. End of story. Second, my responsibilites are generally of a nature that will allow me to disappear for a day or two without causing any great calamity to befall a client. Third, I don't have anyone to take care of but myself. Therefore, I don't have to drag myself out of bed for any reason at all if I decide not to go into the office. So here's the question that I have not yet found a satisfactory answer to: why in the world won't I just take a stupid sick day when I'm sick and stay home and rest??? And when I do finally force myself to do so, why can't I just relax and enjoy the couch time? I took one day last week to try to get over this nasty cold I came down with the day before, and I was practically climbing the walls from boredom! When did I become that girl who can't just sit still? That's not me! I've always things to do when I'm at home: books/magazines to read, movies to watch, closets to organize, something new to practice on the piano, something new to sing, a dozen e-mails to catch up on, a blanket to crochet. Granted, when my head feels all fuzzy and I can't take ten steps without needing a tissue, my range of activity is severely limited. But still, don't most people take pleasure in a day of staring stupidly at a television set? Me, I want to shoot things at my television set when I have to watch it for more than an hour. When did that happen? And what am I supposed to do rest when resting drives me so crazy?
Went back to work after one day, and naturally, I was no better than the day before. And two days later, I'm still sick, contemplating not going into the office tomorrow and wondering if I really want to take another day. Meanwhile, a friend keeps urging me to see a doctor, just to make sure the cold is nothing more than a cold. Better safe than sorry, she says. Me, I say I'm not going to be sorry. There's nothing a doctor can do about a cold, so why in the world should I see one? Then I wonder if I'm just being stupid and unnecessarily stubborn. After all, it could be something slightly worse; you never know. But really, why waste all that time and trouble -- and all the doctor's time and trouble -- just to get confirmation of something I already know? Seems a bit silly.
Current status: wait-and-see. If I feel tomorrow morning as badly as I feel now, I'll take another day. If not, I am so going to work.
I shake my head at myself. I am NOT a workaholic. But boy, do I sure sound like one! Now, if I were totally healthy and well, and the weather were beautiful and I could do whatever I wanted, I could think of a hundred things I'd rather do than go to the office. But if my choice is between being stuck at home all day or being stuck at the office all day, I would so much rather be at the office. Weird. And a little sick.
Maybe I'm sick in the head, too. That could explain a lot.
